It's hard to explain to others how one feels after this kind of surgery - well at least how I have felt. There have been very emotional periods when all I want to do is cry, there have been times when I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time and then there have been the "dark" times when I have sensed that my mind was under attack. I am usually a pretty positive person (with the exception of telling people that we are at the end of the age; and then people tell me I'm "so negative"). During the trial and error period of programming the DBS system, I have been totally "off" which I had never been prior to the surgery. "Off" meaning I am overtaken by tremors, my mind is blank and it is hard for me to focus.
It was during one of my first "off" periods that I felt a darkness coming over me and my thoughts went very negative. I thought that God was very displeased with me for having the surgery, I thought about how if something went wrong I would have to undergo more brain surgery, and then I would not give permission to more surgery, I thought about how complicated this had made my life for other illnesses that could possibly pop up, I thought God did not love me because I was no longer made in His image because I have this "thing" inside of me, etc.
I recognized the hand print of the enemy on these thoughts, and immediately called my prayer partner. The Bible tells us that Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy. He must have heard me praising God in the OR (so they tell me), or reciting my scriptures, or thanking God with my family and friends afterwards in the recovery room and decided he was going to put a stop to that. Anyway, I heard in my mind "Didn't I tell you he would do this?" "He wants to steal your joy, kill your witness and destroy you." So, I did as the Word says and resisted him. He did, in fact, flee from me and I was at peace the rest of the day.
I have had this happen now many times since I came home, and quite frankly, it was getting to me. As a matter of fact, it had me questioning my salvation and whether I had had this surgery performed without God's blessing and if He would forgive me for it. Last night as I was reading scripture, the Holy Spirit led me to Ephesians 6:13-17 where it talks about spiritual warfare and putting on the whole armor or God. I was reading through the verses and then reading the accompanying commentary when my spirit lit up and I rejoiced.
13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God,
God showed me that every day, no matter what I do, if it brings glory to God, Satan is going to attack the one bringing God such glory and that every single day, I need to put on ALL of the armor of God.
First the belt of truth. This is a knowledge of the truth of God's Word. I believe the Bible is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The belt of truth holds all the other pieces of armor in place. Next, the breastplate of righteousness, which represents holy character and moral conduct which comes from knowing the truth and attempting to be an effectual doer of the word and not just a hearer of it. Third, the preparation of the gospel of peace. These are shoes on our feet that make us eager or willing to take the fight to Satan even though he is a powerful opponent. The shield of faith means taking God at His Word and believing His promises (which I was not doing, and which the commentary says will "protect one from doubts induced by Satan). The helmet of salvation which is the assurance or certainty of salvation, which again means that I must trust God to keep His promises. And last, but certainly not least, the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God.
Friends, we must consciously take up the armor everyday for IF we are doing the Lord's bidding in glorifying His name, taking the gospel to others and lifting Him up so that all men are drawn to Him, then we are a sure target for the adversary.
I am so thankful today for God's amazing love for me, for the fact that I cast my cares upon Him, and He answered me. He showed me that no matter what, I must trust His promises and depend upon
Him to complete what He has started in me.
Dear Lord, thank you so much for loving me, for hearing my prayers and answering them!You are Almighty God, and I say with the Psalmist, "Who am I that you would be mindful of me", I am as a mist, a vapor, a flower, here today and gone tomorrow.. Yet you take the time to reassure me that I am yours and you are mine. I bless you today, Lord! May you be glorified today in my life. In Jesus' name. Amen!