Do you really walk by faith and not by sight?
That is a question I am constantly asking myself these days.
It is very easy to speak words that indicate you have faith, but when you get down to the nitty gritty parts of life; the things that really matter, you learn whether or not you really have what it takes to get through tough times...the times that require deeply rooted, unshakable faith.
Since we got to North Carolina, there has been a remarkable change in my son. He's sleeping well, he has an increased appetite, he's lost that "ghostly" look of hollowed out eyes, poor coloring and he's put on a pound or two that he had lost. He's anxious to get out and play and doesn't appear to be tired all the time, too. These are all good things, right?
We spent our first week here taking lots of medical tests. He had lots of blood tests and is working on a testing of the elements of his elimination; an in depth test that will tell us if he has parasites, good flora, bad flora, how well his digestive system is working and if there's anything in his elimination system which is harming him.
We went in to talk to the doctor yesterday to get the result of the blood tests, and it was confirmed that my son is one sick young man. I hardly heard the results of my tests.
My thoughts became so focused on what I was hearing about my son that I didn't notice that my pulse picked up, my hands started shaking, my respiration rate increased and I began to perspire until I got out to my car and began to drive. I looked at his little face and saw the sadness and disappointment because of what he had heard.
We need to complete the stool testing as soon as possible and begin colonics; he has to start a gluten-free, sugar free, minimal fried food diet. We'll know what else he has to do at the completion of the other test. It is possible that my son has celiac disease which is an allergy to gluten and wheat which has caused the ulcerative colitis.
The kid LOVES pizza! He LOVES bread! And, of course, like all kids (and most of us) he LOVES sugar and fried food.
My heart ached for him, not just because of what he won't be able to eat, because really that's minimal in the whole scope of this thing, but because right now, his body is sick and he's going to have to learn one of the biggest and hardest things we all have to learn...self-discipline.
I just wanted to sit down somewhere and cry, and I did cry a little bit but the spirit of God again brought to my mind Romans 8:28, and I kept thinking that I know there's good in this God; good for him, good for me, good for my husband. If we just look for it and trust you, something good has got to be in for each one of us.
Maybe this is the thing that my family needs to build faith that is deeply rooted and unshakable. I have this thought running through the back of my mind that if I can get this right, I am going to know God on a deeper level. God knows all about this situation, and He has allowed it and in my heart of hearts, I know that it's going to work out the best for everyone of us who love Him, trust him and are called according to His purpose (not our purpose).
As I sit and pray that God will heal my son supernaturally; I find myself next praying that God will protect him and keep him healthy until we can find the culprit and begin treating it. Then I hear God's spirit ask me if I didn't just ask Him to heal my son and now I want Him to keep Him safe until we can begin treating him? Well, Kim, which is it? Which one do you want? I want him healed, Lord. I want Him safe in your hands. The spirit speaks to me that whatever I do Kim will be for his good and your good. Trust me. Know that whatever happens, it is good.
I'm a control freak. I know that's sin. It's called pride...pride in my ability, my knowledge, my wisdom. "I can do it" would be an appropriate motto for my life. Prior to 2007 and my parkinson's disease becoming a reality in my life, I had very few things I didn't think I could do, overcome or accomplish. So putting this in God's hands and trusting Him to do good with it is very hard for me as it is, I'm sure, for many of us. But I am in a new place and I seriously want to learn this lesson that God wants me to learn. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I CAN place it in His hands and I CAN trust Him to bring HIS plans to fruition, and HIS plans are good.
I went to my son's VBS closing program last night. I had the pleasure of having his teacher tell me what a wonderful boy he is and how much she enjoyed having him in her class. They had a meal afterwards and I wanted to run and pull the hot dog on a bun out of my son's hands, but I realized that this is not going to happen overnight. Eleven years of eating habits are not changed in a day. I told myself if I really trust the Lord to do what is good and right, then jerking that hot dog out of his hand would accomplish only bad feelings and I decided to let him go. Today we will begin to change things as best and quickly as we can.
As I sat alone on the porch last night, I thought about all the mothers all over the world who are worried sick about their children and whether or not they will get well or not. Until we're in that place, it's so easy not to think about someone else's pain. Please, stop now and pray for me and my son and for all the parents in the world today who are hurting because of seriously ill children.
God is showing me that I really do need to trust him, that I can't just speak it. I have to live it. My son has to know that I have faith in God to do the right thing.
I read this today on T. Austin-Sparks website:
In a sentence, true spirituality is not to live on the outside; it is to live with God right down deep in the inner part of your own being, where He, the Spirit, is.That pretty much sums it up for me.
Father, I'm still scared, but I know you're here, you're walking through this with me. I feel your love for me and I know you love my little guy. I know you have plans for our family, each one of us, plans for good - not to harm us. Take this burden from our shoulders and show us how good it is to depend on you to carry it. You are all wise, all knowing and your love never ends so let us live our lives like we know that, trust that and depend on it. I thank you for this trial. I pray that my family will come through it leaning more heavily on you and knowing you more intimately so that when the next "thing" comes we will be better prepared to walk in the knowledge of your love and wisdom. I pray that this trial will teach us about your goodness and the great plans that you have for our lives and how you work those plans out. This is my prayer for all who pass through here today.
And father, I ask for a special pouring out of your holy spirit upon parents all over the world today who are dealing with a seriously ill or dying child. Please let them feel your presence and know the peace that you alone can bring. I ask it all in Jesus' name and for His glory and honor.