Monday, April 4, 2011

A Letter to My Father

Dear Father,

How can I say to you the things that are on my mind today? You are a wonderful father and you have always done what was best for me every step of the way in my life. You have blessed me to live in a land of plenty, allowed me to grow up in a family filled with love, and povererty which was good for me. You taught me as I was growing that I could do more and be more if I put my mind to it and my heart in it. You led me to church every Sunday even though no one else in my family went. Rain or snow, hot or cold, I loved going to church with you.

I know I hurt you many times when I had to toss off the reins and learn the hard way about disappointment, not taking your advice, and doing things my way. I'm sure I hurt you even more so when I didn't even consult you on the important things in my life such as who to marry, and what type of career would be best for me and how to be a mother; not to mention the small things like did I really need another pair of shoes, should I save my money or use it for someone else's benfit. I know you must have wondered about me and if I was going to ever choose to just be your child again. You probably thought I couldn't see how good and simple life can be when I was making it so tangled up and confused.

And so here I sit in my comfy big chair, looking out the window thinking of you and wondering what it is I need to do to cross that big bridge I put between us. You know how scared I am of water and I don't particularly like crossing bridges. It's raining; the down pours coming and going, the wind is blowing very hard, too; and every so often the lightning streaks through the clouds and thunder booms. But they make me think of you.

Father, I want to be that little girl again; the one who's eyes lit up when she thought about putting on her best dress and shoes and combed her hair and then put her hand in yours and walked with to church every Sunday. I want my life to be all about doing what you want to do. The things you do are ever so much more interesting and fun than the things I do.

But I'm scared, Father, because it's been ever so long since I really talked to you, heart-to-heart talking, you know what I mean. So much of what I say is so shallow or superficial. And I'm scared because of that water and bridge. And I'm scared that I won't be able to live up to what you want for me.

Please help me, Father, come take my hand. Help me cross the bridge and the water. Help me open my heart back up to you. No little girl ever felt as loved as I did when I let you lead me and I just held your hand and went along. Oh, how I want that now, Father. The world is big and scary and every day as I walk through life, I realize there isn't really anyone out there for me to rely on. Not unless you come back and help me over that bridge; then, of course, there'd be you...and there's nobody else like you for making me feel safe and loved.


Please. Can you hear me? Is it too late? Can I still be your daughter or do I have way too much time to make up? If I could just hear your voice...no one else has a voice like you - warm, inviting, kind, loving reassuring, firm, gentle, decisive, encouraging. In your voice is every emotion that can make me feel like I can do anything and am so deserving of your love. Why would I ever have been so stupid as to turn away from you? Will you forgive me for that? I am so sorry. Search my heart, see if I'm not telling you the truth and if you see anything dark or dirty or untrue in there, please help me get rid of it. I know with your help I can do it. I was so happy when I was with you, Father; I could just be me - silly or serious or doing weird cartwheels cause I couldn't really do them at all, singing in my best little girl voice to please you. I took delight in you. I want to do that again, Father. Can we, please?

I just want you to know that I'm here; waiting to hear your voice, or feel your touch.

...oh, my goodness, Father. How'd you know I was calling out to you, and how'd you get here so fast? Oh, my, Father, it's so good to be with you again. I love you, Daddy. Please don't ever let me leave you again.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful thoughts. I hope to hear my own children pray like this.

    marianne

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  2. This is so beautiful, thanks for sharing!
    :)

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